aww thats really good that u wanna change for danny. Gos will guride u, and i kno this next relationship u to will share will be better.

and ty for ur comment

I can't say a whole lot that I haven't said already about the way your family is treating you.  They keep trying to treat it like it's a disease and that prayer will cure it..grrr.    Don't be angry at yourself.  One thing I think you need to figure out though is if, maybe, you are Bi.  You had sex with Liz.  If you weren't attracted to women, being drunk wouldn't have changed that.  

As for Daniel, once you sort everything out in your own head, you should go talk to him face to face.  From what you've said he is a very good guy and I'm pretty sure he'll be understanding and probably knows most of what you are feeling and has felt that way himself.  Just take it easy and try (operative word there) not to stress too much k?

Dee

sweetie im sorry that all the sh*t is happening at once.  i wish that i could just give you the biggest hug and tell you everything would be okay, and have you believe me.

*sigh*

this is just a really sh*tty scenario, all around. if you want my email, lemme know. im a really good ear (most of the time).

one day, they will all understand.

**super huge hugs**

hey,
You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Having sex with Liz or breaking up with Daniel will not change your sexual orientation. It will certainly not change your feelings for Daniel. I do not know what your relationship with Liz is like. But history will repeat itself if you lead her on (unless she attends your school and already knows you are gay).
People can say many things. You cannot please everyone. Do the right thing that is very important however remember to do what you think is appropriate. If you do not think about yourself who will?
From all that you wrote it is clear how much you love Daniel. And he loves you back just as much. Don't throw away something so beautiful because of a group of homophobic people who cares nothing about your feelings. Of course you have to respect your parents, but there is a limit. When you said you wanted to distance yourself from Daniel I felt sad. You cannot run away from yourself. From all your entries I understood that Daniel is what gives you a solid footing. Don't loose it from a silly reason such as this.
I know how people can degrade homosexuality. But love is universal. No one can pin a name to love.
When people keep reminding you about the past it can be difficult. I can suggest a few things. It helps if you take some time and think things over. Every incident. It maybe hard but face it and get it over with. I am almost certain I know what happened between you and Steve. So I can understand the reasons behind your feelings. None of it is your fault. You cannot help being attracted to him. There is nothing wrong with that. I noticed that you never defend yourself when you talk about Steve. So I am guessing that you may have flirted with him more than you would like to say. Again, it is human. Write it out it might help you.
Finally, talk to you swimming coach. He seems to be a sensible person. You need to talk to someone.
I am glad you are can write things out on my dear diary. I just want you to know that I will be here to support you. It maybe a little difficult to write about certain aspects of your life (Steve). But unless you talk to someone try to put down as much as possible either here or in another diary.
Be Happy and Healthy.
Abydos.

i grew up southern baptist and i grew up learning that being gay was a sin also but who doesn't sin? everyone sins..no one is perfect and it's not another human beings place to judge anyone. your relationship with God is your own, not anyone's elses. i hope you and your family can work all this out..good luck and just know that we don't judge here on mdd..(well, most of us anyway)..i'll smoke one for you..lol..

Your dad may stop eventually, but right now he just can't get his mind around everything that he's learned.  He's trying to deny it and he's probably thinking he can make you "normal" if he tries hard enough.  Not a whole lot you can do right now to make him understand and that's the tough part.  Time is the only thing that will help.  Don't let them guilt trip you with bible quotes and all that crap.  As for wanting to get high..gotta say it..drugs and alcohol don't help a damn thing..trust me on this one k?  They take away the pain and make you not think for awhile but guess what?  You come down off the high and everything is going to come crashing back on you.  I almost went down that road (alcohol wise) and after a couple of weeks of it, I realized I was going to kill myself if I kept going.  I was one of the lucky ones who didn't keep spiraling down.  I realized I was going to turn into my father and that scared the crap out of me.

Anyway, take care of yourself k? 

Dee

glad that you had a good week.  it was much needed, i'd say..

i'd skip the reunion too.. not only b/cuz of all the relatives and possible questions and crap, but because they are friggin BORING!!! who wants to spend an entire day talking to old people that they hardly know. *shudders* not me!!

Anyways, i hope the guilty feeling doesn't last.  It's never good to have that uneasy feeling in your tummy when you are with someone you have such a good time with.

*hugs*

take care, and im looking forward to your extra long entry.

I am so glad to hear you talked to your coach.  Even though you may not be getting the support you need from home, you are getting it from other sources.  Your family makes me want to scream though.  And I'm sure you feel the same way.  So closed minded that there is no arguing with them because they think they are righteous in their thoughts.  I would love to smile sweetly and tell them to go take a long walk off a short pier (to put it mildly) just for their ignorance.  :D  Take care o.k?

Dee

The way ur being treated for being gay is so unbelievable, it must of been so hard to actually tell the people around u it takes alot of courage. My sister told me she was a lesbian when she was 18 and im completley fine with it but my family have baisicly disowned her.

Because they cudnt accept her for who she is there was alot of arguments it wasnt nice.

They kept telling her she wasnt a lesbian its just a phase, After a wile my sister felt so left out of the family( we lived with our aunts) that she left and moved in with her g.f in birmingham which is quite a bit away from lndn. im 1 of the few that have accepted it from day 1. I ppl think that u can just suddenly change n go bk to being str8 and for what? to make them happy, well what bout u if they were thinkin of u in this situation they wud try to understand how u feel u dnt chose to b gay or str8 u r what u r.

I really hope things work out for u dont let anyone tell u how to live ur life coz its u thats gotta ive it n if they cnt accepts u for who u r then theyre the ones with the problem

Take care luv chloe xx

hi,

I am happy to hear that you had a great time with Danny!

Look, the guilt that you are feeling is not a good thing my friend. It is understandable, considering all that you went through. The events that took place on Monday and Wednesday (I am uncertain of the two days) does not sound very good. I take it that they made you perform, or they performed erotic, sexually stimulating actions. That is inhuman. No human being should be subjected to that. This maybe the root of your guilty feelings. If my own friends did that to me I too would feel as though I cannot face the world. Which is why I am suggesting that you visit a Psychologist. While it is true that it is mostly girls who are subjected to rape etc, it is not a weakness on your part that you were. I have heard of everal Gay people who has gone through similar experiences, and the after effects are much similar to yours as well.

I am rather worried about you circle of friends. (and the boy who turned you on -Steve). I hope you realize how dangerous those children are. The popularity you had in school maybe lost for the moment. Pardon the cliche, but the cool crowed normally doesnt think much about the "uncool" people. I think that is the impression I got reading your first 3 entires. So, I hope now you realize that other children do have feelings too. 

I do not mean any of this in a harsh or offensive way. But this is the only time when things like this can be put across to people like you. the Hype that you surround yourself is like a drug. So please think about it.

And please think about going talking to someone about what you went through. I saw that you are still reluctant to talk about exactly what happened last week. I advice you to let it out. I is not a good thing to keep to yourself. If you cannot talk to a real person, write it here.

If you found this offensive, I am sorry. I am simply trying to help you. I will continue to read your diary. I hope you do the right thing.

One more thing, just because the cool crowed doesnt talk to you, it doesnt mean the people you ignored will not. Try talking to several people who you never even thought of talking to.

be careful! ppl are ruthless (unfortunately). im sure once everything smooths over, and ppl are used to the "new" way that things are, you'll be fine.

we all have to go through the hardships and the tuff times before we can see the light of happiness.

i hope your weeked is filled with at least some fun and hanging out with danny.

take care!

You need to be careful on what situations you put yourself in.  From part of what you said, they are curious about it, but most of them sound like they hate themselves for it (probably because it did turn them on) and are going to take it out on you because you have the courage to be who you are.  They think it's wrong, and even if they are not gay, being aroused by that scares the crap out of them because it makes them think they are.    Please be careful. 

i dont know if i am more pissed off at those @$$holes for doing this or if i am more upset.  i feel sooooo bad that you are here telling us what is going on and there is NOTHING that i can do to help you!  other than offer you my support and my ear if you need it...

i'm just glad (a little) that writing it out helps. just be careful!!! im worried about you.... i hope nothing really bad happens to you!

***HUGS***

i'm not sure what they are doing to you but it makes me so mad!!! what right do these people have to judge you??? NONE!!! what you do in your personal life is your business...noone elses..i hope it gets better soon..try to avoid all those people if at all possible..just my advice anyway..i'm really praying for you man....

it's true once you are out of school, it won't matter. but you are there, and will be there for at least a couple weeks (im assuming) before summer break. that will give some time away. im a little scared for you.

PLEASE update when you get home!!!

good luck and congrats on the best looking award! and indeed, best couple.  i chuckled a little bit.

take care!

im sorry, but what a bunch of @$$ holes!!!

things like that should NOT happen to nice people. you seem so sweet. ugh. the nerve...

anything i can do to help? lemme know.

lol yeah it probably sounds weird (me wanting to be friends with u) u said thanks... thanks for what?

I don't get the whole gay thing, not that I have anything against gay people.  I would love to have a gay guy friend because then there would be no tension between us.  How old are you and would you be my friend?